How To Deal With Job Loss (From Someone Who Lost Their Job)

As I mentioned in my last post and on Instagram, Chris and I were both laid off from our jobs recently. This isn't the first time this has happened, but it is the first time we've faced job loss at the same time (we worked for the same company) – and with so much uncertainty. And we're not the only ones. While we may have been ahead of the trend when it came to losing our jobs, the days that followed proved we weren't alone. I now know more unemployed people than people with jobs – friends, family, neighbors – we're all going through it. And damn, job loss is tough even without a global pandemic threatening our health and safety. Whether you're laid off or fired – or a freelancer facing dropped jobs – job loss can be incredibly traumatic. The only thing I can compare it to is a bad breakup – one that leaves you feeling confused, abandoned, and unsure of what lies ahead.

When I began my professional career around 2007, the thought of losing my job for any reason was unimaginable – I saw it as a failure of myself. But having been laid off a couple of times since then, and having had to file for unemployment, I now know this is just a part of life. If there's anything these past few weeks and months have taught us, it's that there's no way to know what the future holds. I saw myself staying at the job I lost for the foreseeable future – I enjoyed my coworkers, I was learning, I liked what I did, I worked in a beautiful place – and I aligned with the company, but really, how long I stayed wasn't my choice to make. There's only so much we can control. Am I a pro at job loss? Ha, no. Thank goodness. But I've been through it, so I thought I'd share a bit of what I've learned (and am continuing to learn), in case you're going through this too. You're not alone in this:

Unfollow. Continuing to follow a former workplace – and at times, former co-workers too – on social media after a layoff or firing can be akin to following an ex after they've left you. Their posts popup in your feed, you see them looking all happy and moving on without you (maybe even hiring, to add insult to injury) – it hurts, it's stressful, and it doesn't help you move on. Continuing to follow them can add unnecessary pain to an already extremely painful and at times confusing experience. So I say it again: unfollow them on social media, at least for a time, and allow yourself some distance to heal.

Take time to grieve. Yes, grieve. Job loss is traumatic, and not recognizing it as such and attempting to move on before you're ready can make things worse. I know this firsthand: When I was laid off from my job at Etsy in 2017, I didn't allow myself ample time to process and grieve. That job meant the world to me – I felt like I'd finally gotten my shit together, only to have the rug pulled out from under me. And by jumping right back into frantically looking for work with a hastily pulled-together resume, I set myself up for a really rocky experience during my job search and at the job where I eventually landed afterward – and didn't last long at. In fact, I'm still talking about that experience with my therapist – partially due to the fact that I never allowed myself that time I needed. So, give yourself a little grace, space, and time to really process the experience, so that when you do jump into your job search, you can do so with clarity and confidence. It may be helpful to talk it out with a therapist – many therapists are offering video sessions, and there are several options when it comes to online therapy that could offer more affordable options.

It may be helpful during this time to count what you're thankful for. As much as I loved my Etsy job, losing it ultimately lead to us moving back to Maine – a dream that we thought was out of reach. It meant I no longer needed to hop a 5:45 am train to Brooklyn. Losing my most recent job means I'll no longer have to drive 120 miles round trip to get to my work site. It means Chris and I are able to spend more time with each other than we have in the past year. It means I could potentially take steps for a total career change – or just take some classes. As much as I'd rather be employed, it helps to find the silver linings. And more often than not, there are silver linings if you look for them.

Get your "house" in order. First and foremost, you'll need to see if you qualify for unemployment benefits. If you were laid off from a larger employer, you most likely do – and if so, you'll want to file for benefits immediately. Don't wait to do this, in fact, do it before anything else. I think for a lot of younger people, the thought of filing for unemployment could seem like a failure, but listen to me when I say this: It's your right, it's meant as a way to keep the economy afloat (kind of a laughable concept right now, but still...), and it can help get you through so that hopefully you won't have to touch your savings. Then make sure you've signed any separation agreements and forms from your former employer, and if you need help deciphering them, consider checking in with an attorney.

After you've done the immediate tasks, you might want to consider taking a little time (see above) before you jump right into the job search. When I lost my job in 2017, I hopped on immediately, searching for jobs that most resembled what I was previously doing – without considering that maybe I'd want to do something else. By rushing things, I don't believe I gave myself the time I needed to really refine my resume and hone in my search to the positions that most excited me. This time around I'm trying to do things differently and take my time. For me, this looked like a solid week and a half of no-schedule-floundering, and then today, getting myself back to something that looked a little more like a normal schedule: waking up early, getting some (socially distanced) exercise, and doing some work.

That said, I won't be devoting every day of the week to my job search and freelance work, but focusing three (sometimes four) dedicated days to it. Why? Because I have stuff I want to do! Just because I got laid off doesn't mean I have to pay penance and not enjoy this time. While Chris and I are spending most of our time at home, there's plenty here that we want to accomplish, and I'm looking forward to having the time to do it. We've been cleaning, organizing, and I'm looking forward to finally getting a new Squarespace template installed so I can update my portfolio and this blog.

Call on your network. We need each other now more than ever. In the past, I felt so ashamed about getting laid off – worried what people would think, what they would assume – that I didn't ask for help when I needed it. Not so this time. And because I put it out there, I've received a few opportunities from friends for small jobs. When I'm eventually ready to begin applying, I'll also be reaching out and letting my network know I'm looking and available for work - freelance and otherwise. I'm not saying to ask your friends and network for free services – but this is a time when you could potentially lift each other up. Do you have something to offer that you can help them with? Do they have a project you could assist on (remotely of course)? Now is the time to call upon your networks to see how you could lift each other up.

I also believe strongly in leaving a job on the best possible terms. It's not easy, especially when you're being let go, but the connections you made at that job could help you land your next position – and you may need to call on your former employer for a recommendation. I'm not saying not to vent, but I recommend doing it off social media.

Losing a job isn't easy, especially right now, and to be honest, there's really no "right" way to go about dealing with the loss, but I hope this is helpful. If you want to talk more – please feel free to reach out on Instagram.

We will get through this. We will be ok. 

Weekend Reading 8.23

Happy Weekend! Can you believe Labor Day is just a week away? How did summer flash by so fast? This weekend we're celebrating a friend's recent marriage, and I'm planning on working on my new site (I've had a template for nearly a year that I'm finally working on installing – one step at a time, you know?). Chris and I have some fun plans next weekend, so I'm going to try to work ahead a bit to get some projects done before then. As a chronic procrastinator, nothing makes me feel calmer than having my work done on time, or – gasp! – early. We're supposed to get a glimpse of early fall weather this weekend and I can't wait. As much as I don't want winter to get here any faster than it needs to, I'm ready to sleep a little better and sweat a little less. Hope your weekend is filled with only the good stuff. XO

ICYMI: A little pre-fall look

5 ways to help the Amazon – and why you should: Support indigenous people through Amazon Watch, help buy land in the Amazon through Rainforest Trust, protect animals in the rainforest through the WWF, protect an acre of Amazon through the Rainforest Action Network

Started a new thrifting series on Instagram this week and so excited about it

This quiz is awesome and incredibly informative

Wow - these stained glass insects are so stunning! (this little stained glass moon is darling too)

Related and irony of all ironies: the founder of Amazon is the only person rich enough to save the actual Amazon

Now for a complete 180. Exciting advancements in the world of underpants: Everlane's new barely there line looks perfect for under jeans and tight things, and Thinx now offers an 'all cycle long' set

This looks like the perfect late-summer meal (just swap for veg. sausage to make it meatless if that's your jam)

Are we still loving barrettes? Just kidding – you can pry them from my cold, dead hands. Really into this solid set of barrettes (under $10) and these pretty options (and these headbands too)

Have you checked out the NPR 'Life Kit' series? Love this piece on making and keeping friends – something I've been working on lately

Still loving my leopard slip skirt - how pretty is this option? (and it goes up to size 24)

These DIY wax balloon vessels are so pretty and modern

Kind of obsessed with these baby blue loafers

Looking for a new book to read? Here are 10 of the best books by women of color

Reminder: You're more than the best and worst thing you've ever done

Did 2019 kill the heel? Damn I hope so...

Uprooting (Or: Why We're Leaving the City for the Country)

This post has been a long time coming. I'm not just talking about waiting a few weeks to write it - this post has been in my heart for the past several years, I have a feeling that's no surprise to many who may or may not be reading. And now HERE WE ARE! In the past, making the big "we're moving announcement" on this blog has felt like an integral part of the process of uprooting ourselves. Like, first we tell family and friends, then I tell the internet at large. But this time it felt too personal. If you've been following along recently, you might have gleaned the past few months have been tough for us. My job/team was eliminated at Etsy, Chris's grandfather passed away... among several things that have felt too personal to post here but that have had a huge impact on us. If anything, 2017 has tested us and given us pause, it's forced us to think of the bigger picture in so many ways, we've faced mortality in others and we've had to face our own mortality, too. And for those reasons – and honestly, so many more – we've decided it's finally time we return to whence we came – New England. More specifically, Maine.

Maine!

It's funny writing this, thinking back. When I started this blog, I was very much a New England blogger – so much so that people were actually pissed I was moving, ha! – but at this point, I've been blogging in Pennsylvania for six years. Six YEARS. How wild is that? And yet, I think it's pretty clear my heart has always been "back home". We've always talked about moving back, but always in a far off, when we're older sense. When the timing was right. When we found the right jobs. When we had enough money. Well, if there's anything this year has taught us, it's that the timing will never be right. So, why not now? Don't get me wrong, this summer was pretty rad, but it was also very, very challenging. For the first time in my life, I didn't have a clear idea of what I wanted or where I wanted to be. As the primary breadwinner of our little family, the not knowing was an uncomfortable place to  be. I looked for jobs in Philly, I received a job offer over the bridge in New Jersey. It payed well – really well. We could have stayed put in our place and continued on with city life comfortably enough. I almost took it. Then Hank (Chris's grandfather) passed away and we travelled home on the week I was to make my decision. Death has a way of putting things into stark perspective and after the service I knew the job wasn't right, and neither was staying in the city. While Philly has been (mostly) good to us, when we thought long and hard about the kind of environment we wanted to be in, the kind of place where we're happiest, this wasn't it. And suddenly a paycheck wasn't enough to keep us here. And not a day goes by that I don't give thanks to myself for turning down that damn job. Essentially, the past few months have been full of questions...

"It's a question I think a lot about - do I move to where I want to be and take a chance or do I stay where I am, where I am comfortable, where I have a good job but I hate the town, the people, sometimes the work (hah), the climate..??? I'd love to hear how you navigate this and your thoughts."

N, I hope you don't mind me copy/pasting a portion of your recent comment in this post... but the questions you're asking are the same ones I'd been asking myself for the past couple of years. Is it enough to be comfortable? For me, it no longer was. I thought about going back to Free People, because the Navy Yard was an environment I was comfortable with and the company was one I was familiar with (and honestly really enjoyed) – but why? Just to pick back up where I left off? Just to stay where we are, in an apartment with a leaky ceiling? The thought of moving within the city was one we quickly brushed aside – we like our neighbors too much, enjoy living across from the park instead of across from more row homes, as much as the hole in the ceiling left much to be desired.

In the end, staying comfrotable felt like a death. We've met some incredible people in this city, but if we allowed our roots to get any deeper, I know we would both feel stuck. If we didn't move, we'd always be left wondering - what if? In making the decision to move, we'll at least know and can put the curiosity to bed. Maybe it'll be amazing... maybe it won't. But I can't keep wondering. Isn't it better to know, to see the other side? And honestly the struggle can't be any harder, at this point we've gone through some shit. This ain't our first rodeo, as they say (does anyone actually say that?). I think a lot of our hesitation/fear has been around jobs and money - afraid of not finding something, or to have to face hardship, forgetting completely that we've been through the wringer already. For all the amazing things that have happened over the past few years, we've also been broke, we've been mugged (seven times!), the car has broken down, jobs have been lost, medical issues that come with medical bills have arisen... essentially, we've powered through all the shit that's come our way. So we can handle all the good and all the bad that may come with this. For the first time EVER, we're not moving for a job (though I'm thankful to have a trial gig with a remote company, making it possible for us to have a small safety net or at least illusion of one, and Chris already has a ton of opportunities he's stoked about), we're moving purely to be in a beautiful place we love. I'm sad to leave our friends in Philly, but excited to get to know our parents as adults, to be able to see them casually on the weekends (instead of the typical frenetic holiday gatherings of the past few years), and to reconnect with our friends in that area (and for the hiking! And surfing! And real winters!). As my mom has reminded me over the years as we prepped to move from Beverly to Pittsburgh and from Pittsburgh to Philadelphia, "you make friends everywhere you go", and it's true. We'll always be able to visit Philly, and what's more, our friends now have a pretty sweet vacation spot if they ever come to Maine!

That's not to say I don't have my hesitations. We're lucky enough to be able to stay with my mom for a few months, but I'm also sad to leave the space we created for ourselves. Even though this was a decision we made on our own accord, there's a certain kind of fear that comes with returning to the very small town you grew up in (at least for me), even for just a few months. I'll need to wear real winter boots again – not just fun little booties. I'm incredibly sad to leave our friends and contacts in Philly, and my favorite coffee shop, and the yoga studio I feel at home with, and being able to walk all over the city, and the way sunlight filters down Pine Street early in the morning. And my stylist! I finally found a salon that I love, dammit. But these are small things. Things easily dealt with, and I have a feeling the benefits will outweigh it all. Friends can visit (and so can we). Cool winter boots can be found (plus, I mean snow). In the end, we're SO DAMN EXCITED about this. I know this post may sound tinged with a bit of sadness - but really, I'm exhausted! As much as we tried to approach this move like adults, per usual we're stressed and tired (is there any other way to move?). And I am a little sad. I'm about to say goodbye to our home of three years (plus, no more cat cafes to walk by in the mornings). But in the end, I'm excited for what's to come and for the opportunity to rediscover the dormant parts of myself and to get out of my comfort zone. So Maine, here we come! Let's do this.

What I'm Reading

I used to be a voracious reader. When I worked in college admissions, I lived within walking distance of my apartment and would spend my lunch breaks and after work consuming books. And then... at some point I stopped. After we moved, no longer living down the street from a library left me constantly accruing late fees and eventually the habit just died off. I was lucky if I got through a couple books per year. But at the beginning of this year, determined to turn things around, I bought myself a Kindle (with a gift card my dad gave me, thanks dad!). Originally, I had it in mind that I'd be able to read more on my long commutes to Brooklyn instead of spending that time working. Wishful thinking. Instead the Kindle sat.

And sat.

And sat. And collected dust.

For several months.

Until I finally went to the library and figured out how to download books to the thing (what can I say, I do things in my own time. Snail time.). As much as I love traditional books, this little device has made a huge impact on how much I read, and I find myself reading a few books per month now - yes! To me, reading has always played a key role in my self care, even before I knew what self care actually was. It's an escape, and especially these days, an escape form technology. Today I thought I'd share a few of my favorites from this summer's reading list.

Handcrafted Maine By Katy Kelleher & Greta Rybus
This book, you guys. For anyone thinking of moving to Maine, or from Maine and dreaming of going back (ahem...), this book will do it for you. Admittedly more of a coffee table book than one to curl up in bed with, Handcrafted Maine explores Maine's artists, artisans, and craftspeople in over 20 profiles. Some I was already familiar with, like Swans Island Company which I visited for Free People back in 2014, but many were new to me. I love exploring the incredible creative culture of my home state, and this book offered a beautiful glimpse into what it means to be a maker from Maine. Obviously, Zephyr recommends, too.

The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg
If you're curious to explore the WHY behind the things we do, read this. I love a book that explores human habits and what drives us, extra credit if it helps me explore my own habits and make positive changes in my life. To be honest, I was expecting this book to be super dry, but it was pleasantly easy to read without being too simplistic and kept be interested through to the end. It made me interested in reading Duhigg's other books and I've actually been thinking of buying a paperback version of this to keep handy. I feel like I need to re-read it!

Reckless: My Life as a Pretender By Chrissie Hynde
I just finished this book this week and it was... OK. I've been a huge fan of The Pretenders since I was a kid, thanks to my mom always playing their records and their general bad-assery, and I was excited to learn more about Chrissie, the lead singer, who I've also admired for about as long. However, it was a little... frenetic. Lots of details were glossed over, and mid-way through the book it becomes a name-dropping bonanza of, seemingly, all the big names in punk history. I'm glad I read it, as it gave a really unique take on that time in music history, but overall I wasn't blown away.

The Stranger in the Woods by Michael Finkel
Another book set in Maine, this book explore the true story of the last true hermit, Christopher Knight. An interesting read that began as a profile for Esquire, Finkel get a little obsessed with Knight's story of survival in the Maine woods (for over 20 years!), which only makes it more interesting. I highly recommend this book - it left me feeling conflicted about Knight, who survived so long on his own, but not without causing a huge amount of trash/pollution and committing the most cases of theft in recent history (over 1,000).

Hunger by Roxanne Gay
I just began reading this last night, and it's already made an impact. Gay's writing is beautiful and heart-wrenching, especially her description of her "before" and her "after" - specifically exploring the photographs taken by her mother. I'm looking forward to this one, and have a feeling it won't take me long to finish.

What are you reading these days? Anything to recommend? A few on my mile-long holds list from the library include: Final Girls by Riley Sager, The Rules Do Not Apply by Ariel Levy, and You Will Know Me by Megan Abbott.

5 Self Care Tips for Jobseekers (and Everyone Else Too)

Monday was one hell of a day. In fact, the whole beginning of August has been one hell of a... fortnight? Beyond the depressing political landscape and horrifying events in Charlottesville - which I know we're all feeling a lot of feelings about - I'm in the midst of a job search/attempting to figure out what it is I want to do with my life, it's a process that I didn't expect to be so emotional. But it is. While I've had arguably the best summer I've had in a few years, this time has also made it abundantly clear that I often put others above myself and allow outside factors to push me in directions I maybe don't want to go. Tuesday morning I awoke in my own bed after spending the weekend in Maine and New Hampshire, it was a tough weekend for a lot of reasons (among others: we were there to lay to rest Chris's 90-year-old grandfather), and with the weekend behind me it felt like a new start. Besides having to finish up a piece for Free People, I made the decision to spend the majority of the day mindfully focusing on what I needed right then and there. I rescheduled a meeting (not an interview, mind you, I wouldn't recommend rescheduling an interview), walked to the grocery store and restocked my smoothie ingredients, went to the gym mid-day, and did a little writing. It felt good to be on my own and getting back to the habits that make me feel my best, and in doing so, I felt ready to jump back into it on Wednesday. I've been trying to keep these points in mind as I approach my days, and not just jump right onto the computer as soon as I wake up:

Write it down
Shortly after my team and I were laid off, I had a conversation with my aunt where she recommended making a list of what would comprise my ideal job. Along with reading my mind - I'm really trying to view this time as an opportunity to be thoughtful about where I want to go - she also opened the door to a daily writing practice that I've been able to keep off and on over the past month and a half. I've mostly been bullet journaling and making lists, but even something as simple as list making helps to get the thoughts out of my head so I can stop obsessing (and maybe get some sleep). I try to take at least a few minutes each morning to write down a few thoughts and tend to keep my notebook on me throughout the day, especially if I'm out and about (and honestly, sometimes it's just two or three lines). Along with getting the thoughts from my head to the paper, writing has helped me stay present and identify my true feelings about where I want to go.

Do what makes you feel good*
Seriously. What do you love to do? Now do that. For me, this means getting back to a regular hiking practice and yoga classes. I'm not sure about you, but as soon as I get stressed out, the first thing to go is exercise, which, if you ask me, is also the worst thing to let go. If you enjoy exercise, make time for it and if you have to, force yourself to go (I never regret it, but sometimes I have to practically throw myself out of the house). If it's something else, do that. Two weekends ago Chris and I went up to the Poconos to hike Glen Okono Falls and it was a solid reminder to the two of us of what makes us both happy and, especially for me as I've been wrapped up obsessing over applications and fretting over cover letters, what I'm most passionate about. Yoga has been especially valuable these past few weeks, too. Rarely do I feel 100% present in my body than when I'm on the mat. Even if it's just once a week at the donation class I attend, or a few minutes in the morning, the simple act of breathing and moving thoughtfully gets me to focus on my body and out of the crazy storm happening in my head. Job searches can often make you feel as though money is the primary focus, and while yes, your salary is perhaps an important factor, ideally I think we'd all like to end up doing something we love, yes?

*Ideally these things take place away from technology

Invest in yourself - even if it's free
It can be easy to focus too much on money during this time, especially if you're the primary breadwinner, and in doing so, your self-care can quietly slip out the door because of presumed cost (getting your hair done, getting a pedicure, etc.). Don't do this! Even if it's just giving yourself an at-home pedicure, taking a few minutes or a few hours to focus entirely on yourself can make you feel so much better. On Tuesday, I made a simple body scrub out of some unappealing olive oil we bought recently and white sugar I don't use. Before heading to the gym, I combed coconut oil through the ends of my hair and wrapped it into a high bun to moisturize while I worked out. Later, after showering off and shampooing my now super soft hair, I used a self-tanner I already had in the cupboard, and later that night gave myself a pedicure using a polish I already owned. I spent no money, but I ended the day feeling 100% better than where I started. Your job search can feel isolating when you spend most of your day looking for jobs, networking, writing endless cover letters, and scrolling through LinkedIn, and it can be easy to get into your own head. A small investment in yourself, even if it's just washing your hair or painting your nails, can be the boost of self-esteem you need to power through your next round of cover letters.

Volunteer
Want to feel great for a good cause? Go volunteer. I began working with PAWS and United by Blue in Philly when I started working at Etsy because the company had a generous volunteer time initiative, and since leaving, I've continued the practice. Not only will this give you a reason to get out of the house for something other than networking, but you'll be doing good in your community (and maybe even secretly networking in the process - who knows who you'll meet!). Find a cause you want to support, then look for opportunities in your area. Want to get outside more? Do trail work for your local state park. Love animals? Walk dogs or do cat care at your local shelter. You've got the time, why not donate some of it?

Make plans - then stick to them
Seriously, get yourself out of the house. I tend to go to the gym in the evenings as a way to put a pin in the day, but a couple times a week (not counting the weekends) I try to meet up with a friend, take myself out for coffee (I'm currently doing a 'tour du Philly' of local cafes - so many cute spots!), or just do something different. it's easy to get wrapped up in the rabbit hole of jobs leads and networking, sometimes even just talking to someone you're close with (who is not your spouse, significant other, or parents) can give you the space and perspective you need and bring you back down to earth.

While it can be incredibly frustrating to suddenly be without a job - especially if you're a bit of a workaholic like me - this time you have is special, make the most of it when you're not hard at work applying to all the exciting opportunities out there. This is the lens I'm trying to view my own experience through, and believe the tips above are relevant not only to job seekers, but to all of us. It's easy to get wrapped up in the everyday, sometimes we need a reminder to take a step back and give a little of our focus to ourselves.

A Week In New England

Last week I took myself on a little vacation of sorts. I had planned this week away a couple months ago, before life took some unexpected and admittedly really stressful twists and turns, and when the time came to catch my train north it couldn't have been a better time to escape. I've recently found myself in dire need of a change of perspective. Why is it such a shock when smooth and easy sailing transitions to rough seas? I'm talking about life of course, not actual sailing (though the same applies). I'm 33, I should be used to the ebb and flow of life by now. So this confluence of events was the perfect time to get some fresh air and quality time with family, friends, and the ocean. It was just me this time, as Chris had to work, so I caught a train and met up with my mom in New Hampshire. It felt so good to be back home again. I needed fresh air more than I realized, and to have an entire week to mostly leisurely visit with family and basically bum around as if I still lived there provided the perspective I was hoping to find, albeit with some confusion. We've been thinking a lot lately about where we'd like to end up, the kind of place we'd ideally like to live. Philly has served us so well these past few years - we certainly handled the move with considerably more grace than we did poor Pittsburgh - but in the end we know this isn't where we want to settle down. We miss fresh air, and easy hiking, and kayaking, and salt marshes, and everything else you can do and explore when clean water and beautiful geography are right outside your door. Essentially this means the Pacific Northwest or Northern New England for us sometime in the near future. Mountains on one side and ocean on the other.

If you ever want to be seduced into throwing it all out and moving to New England, visit in the summer. Five years - six years?! - away has only made my heart grow fonder, especially when summer in Philly can feel like hot garbage (not poetic or kind to the city I live in, BUT THE DAMN TRUTH, it's hitting triple digits today). I missed a pretty nasty storm by a couple of days, and we had one drizzly cold day on the coast, but otherwise it was damn near perfect. Even with the mosquitos and threat of ticks. I spent most of the week visiting with family  - several members were in from out of town - and working on some personal projects, then on Saturday I headed to the North Shore to see some friends before heading back to Philly. It's incredible to see how revitalized everything has become in the past few years. Our old town was never in dire shape exactly, but there were a few years when empty storefronts were becoming increasingly common. It's so wonderful to see new shops, cafe, and restaurants popping up (too bad about the rent though).

So that's where I'm at. That's where we're at. Having lots of conversations about where, when, how, and if. After jobs determining where we live over the past few years, Chris and I have both fallen in love with the idea of being masters of our own destinies (I mean, we've always been in love with autonomy, but as we get older it feels more urgent) - life is too short.

WORN: This is 33

Today I'm 33. I wish I had something profound to say about it... but I don't. Do I feel 33? Sometimes yes and sometimes no. One thing I do know is that I am thoroughly enjoying being in my 30s. I never understood people who say your high school years are the best years of your life... frankly, the older I get, the better the years are. Or perhaps I appreciate them more. I've never been one to do the whole 33 before 34 list thing, or whatever it is, but I'll absolutely be setting some goals tonight. It's the new moon, which is pretty amazing, so tonight I plan to give my goals some structure and to let go of the thoughts, feelings, hang-ups and failures that I don't need... that don't serve me. I plan to make 33 a powerful year, one of action and strength and self-acceptance.... but first, some karaoke and dancing, because I'd like this year to also be more fun than all the rest. Cheers friends, let's go eat some cake.

Also, shoutout to Moorea Seal for carrying a pair of over the knee boots that actually go over my knees, don't squish my bodacious thighs and boast a lower (but still something) heel! Perfection.

Worn:

Schott leather jacket

Free People dress (similar)

Moorea Seal boots (similar)

Black Springs coffin ring

Philadelphia > NYC

In case you missed it -- and you probably did because other than on Instagram, I haven't mentioned much -- I have a new job, and a sorta-not-really new city. (!!!) I started my new chapter a few weeks ago when I joined the brand marketing team at Etsy. A huge decision, but one I'm so excited about, for so many reasons. A big one being that I'll eventually be a remote employee working from home, wherever home may be. As someone who has relocated for every step of my career thus far, from Maine to Massachusetts to Pittsburgh to Philadelphia, that's huge. But, the operative word back there is eventually. For the next month or so, I'm commuting a few days at a time from Philly to NYC, and living out of a hotel room while I get settled with my new team and new company (the whole thing reminds me so much of my days as an admissions counselor, minus the embarrassing amount of Panera and car karaoke).

Allbirds sneakers
Grafea leather backpack (more colors here)
Free People sunglasses
Blackhorne crescent keychain

As you might imagine, the shakeup in my schedule has been a whirlwind, one part awesome, one part exhausting. I love the fact that my days are unpredictable, that I've shaken off the home-car-office-gym-home schedule, what I don't love so much is dragging a roller case through the NYC subway system (but man, I think I may have found a great substitute for the gym!). But when I find myself cursing that suitcase and missing home (and I do miss home and the husband and cat therein... a lot), I have to remind myself what unique experience this is. Like a lot of kids who grew up in the country, when I was younger I imagined myself running off to New York as soon as I was old enough. Before I discovered photography, I had dreams of being a fashion designer, and that's just where you went. To New York. Right? Of course -- and obviously -- priorities changed, and as I got older, my desire to live in the city lessened and lessened, but I love that I get to experience it now on a more regular basis and in more digestible amounts of time... and then come home to Philly, a city that now seems so much quieter and spacious compared to the fray and frenetics of NYC. Until I make the jump to being full-time remote, I'm taking advantage. Seeing as many friends as I can, and exploring as much as possible in the hours before and after work, and trying to figure out the best commuter situation in the process. Two hours, three states, two trains and an Uber... sneakers and a backpack (and a good book) are necessary not-so-evils. I've been living in my Allbirds, quite possibly the world's most comfortable sneakers that go with pretty much everything, and picked up a simple leather backpack when I learned I got the job. Next up? A hard-case roller suitcase, or at least some kind of quality luggage. My Wal-Mart bargain of 10 years ago is not holding up (15???? oh my god it was 15 years ago....).

Do you have a crazy long commute? Any recommendations? Have a suitcase you like? Help!

PS - You'll still be able to find me on the Free People blog and The Style Line, where I'll be staying on as a contributing writer :)

7 Ways to Feel Better, When You Just Aren't Feeling It

This week took it out of me. Leaving at a moment's notice to drive to Maine, dealing with the drama of a family crisis while attempting to work at the same time... yesterday was my first day back in the office after the shit hit the fan and I spent most of it wishing I could curl up in the fetal position and sleep for a week. I think after being pulled in so many directions for so many days, my body just buckled at the first sign of calm. So yeah, I felt (still feel) rough, and my mind is wandering to ways to make myself feel better and I kind of want to do them all at once... which is probably pointing to the larger problem of me not allowing myself the time I need to slow down when I really, really need to. So I'm sharing them with you today, in case you need a little care, too. I'll be spending this weekend getting back to some semblance of normal, which usually means cleaning, reading, and wandering the city.

Stop checking Facebook: It will only lead to sad thoughts and the increasing realization that the world is in rough, rough shape. I'm not saying you should bury your head in the sand and ignore the facts, but maybe you don't need to be reading the updates of 500 friends and relatives of opposing viewpoints when you're feeling down and out. Take a break. And consider taking a break from all social media, if you find yourself feeling particularly vulnerable.

Buy yourself some flowers: Maybe this sounds stupid and obvious, but I don't give a shit, buying yourself flowers is one of the simplest, prettiest ways ways to show yourself some love. Plan it right, and those babies will be there all week cheering you on (I buy mine on Fridays to enjoy throughout the weekend). I like roses and sunflowers and other species that won't kill my cat when he inevitably ingests them, but it's peony season, so if you're cat-free (or simply live with a feline who isn't a jerk) buy those. Because peonies are gorgeous. And it's hard to feel bummed out when a big puffy cloud of a flower is staring you in the face.

Get moving: Right now, I'm trying to get myself motivated to hit the gym. I know if I do, I'll feel a hell of a lot better about life, and maybe work through some stuff at the same time. Exercise releases endorphins and... blah blah blah... it just makes you feel good. For me, movement is the fastest way to a clearer head and better mood, and the easiest way to lift a fog when I'm feeling down. (Update: I went to the gym. I didn't do as much as I usually do, but I did something. And I feel about 80% better than I did).

Socialize... or not: As an introvert, it's easy for me to close myself off. I have no trouble being alone, which can have its disadvantages. Instead of wallowing and over thinking everything this weekend, I'm going to try to get out and maybe see some people because I know it will do me some good to get out of my own head. Conversely, if you're feeling the exhaustion that i imagine would come with being an extrovert, maybe try staying in. Or... just do what you want to do and give yourself permission to be OK with it.

Treat yourself: Not with food, because that's a weird, emotional slippery slope (for me, at least). And not with any extravagant purchases (again... slope = slippery). But if you have a gift card or store credit or coupon to someplace, now is the time to use it. I save my gift cards to use specifically in times of emotional low-ness, to spend on something nice. Or I purchase something small, like a nail polish or magazine, that I can use right then and there. New underwear never hurt, either.

Work on a project: Something that isn't watching TV or scrolling through your phone. Work on something that enriches you, that's just yours. Take pictures for the sake of taking pictures, draw, paint... doesn't matter. Cook something. Do something actively engaging to get your mind off whatever it is that's bothering you or making you feel shitty.

Call someone: I hate the phone, but I always feel better after reconnecting with a friend. If you need to complain, call the friend who lets you complain. If you need to laugh, call that friend. If you need to feel better about yourself and told how awesome you are and how you're a beautiful flower, call your mother. If you have no one to talk to, talk to your pet (or just hug them while they struggle). If you don't have a pet, get yourself to a cat cafe, stat.

Maine in Spring in Pictures

When city life gets to be too much, north is where I go. I left last Thursday, made a stop in Worcester to see some good friends, then finished the trip on Friday and spent the weekend with my mom and sister and ZEB! It's always hard to leave when the time comes, but nothing centers me more than a few days surrounded by nature and relatively cut off from technology. 

Why I Quit Drinking for 60 Days

...technically, it's been 64 ...And counting.

Full disclosure: Besides mixing pretty cocktails and then taking their picture, I've never been that interested in actually drinking alcohol. I didn't touch the stuff until I was 22 (yes, I was straight edge in high school...) and, over the past few years, have gone fairly long stretches without it, abstaining for a month or so, maybe a few weeks. I like wine. And whiskey... sort of. But for the most part don't care for any of it in large amounts -- I like the room better when it's not spinning and, on my constant quest (crusade?) for better sleep, avoiding the sulfites and sugars that rob me of my rest is worthy of being cast as a potential social pariah.

But still, there were moments of over-indulgence...

On New Year's Day, I woke as I imagine many did: roused from a fitful hour's worth of sleep to the harsh light of a new year. Whoops. "That's it for me," I said to my sorry self in the mirror, before crawling back under the covers to hide from my own puffy reflection. The 1st meant the holidays were finally over (I think I'm beginning to hate the holidays?), that insurmountable peak of good cheer and emotion and overindulgence and work, and my body needed rest. And care. And vegetables. And so that's what I gave it. Taking January to reset and recharge and rediscover the habits that make me feel most connected to myself, after a season of feeling completely disconnected, depressed and frenetic. Leaving behind the habits I knew to be damaging, habits that contributed to my overall feeling of malaise.

But still, I didn't go into this intending to avoid the stuff for two months, but that's what happened. And I feel fucking fantastic.

Throughout the month of January -- a month when many, like myself, choose to go "dry" for a time -- I read accounts of others giving up alcohol and the various effects their abstinence had. Some lost friends. Some rediscovered themselves. Some saw improvement in their jobs and declining numbers on the scale. Each experience valid and very specific to the person. I had no expectations for myself... all I wanted was to feel better... and I did. The fog in my head cleared, and my skin did, too. As days went by my complexion acted less and less like that of a moody teenager and my eyes ditched the baggage they'd been carrying for far too long. And that's what kept me going, not only the fact that I felt better internally, but that I'd begun to recognize my face again in the mirror. When the opportunity arose to go out, I didn't shrink away; instead, I joined my friends and ordered seltzer with a lime or lemon. And the world didn't end. I carried no embarrassment for not partaking, and passed no judgement on those who did. This was a quiet choice (until now, of course), one that accompanied a shift in mindset and mood. When January 31st rolled around, I didn't find myself reaching desperately for a glass of Malbec, so instead of picking up where I left off 30 days earlier, I decided I'd do a Whole30.

Go big or go home, right?

If you're unfamiliar, in the simplest of terms the Whole 30 requires you give up not only alcohol, but also grains, legumes, sugar and dairy. For 30 days. I encourage you to read up on it, but essentially it's a reset for your body, a chance to break habits (hi sugar) and discover the foods you may be sensitive to. In a word, it's strict Paleo and it's done wonders for me over the years, helping me to break bad habits and transition to a diet that makes me feel my best. While this wasn't my first rodeo, it was my first time entering into the ring having already given up a major category. And I was apprehensive simply because I expected to feel deprived of the social norm of drinking at some point. There are only so many times you can go out for a seltzer, right? Turns out, not really. Instead, forgoing alcohol brought awareness to why I enjoy going out in the first place: drinking isn't the thing, the connection with another person is the thing. Giving up alcohol invited me to explore other options, rediscovering my love for long afternoon coffee dates and Sunday afternoon walks. As February rolled along, so too did I, rather than picking up a bottle of wine and holing up on the couch after a particularly rough day, I made it a point to shake off my mood and do something productive. Even if it was just the dishes or putting away the heap of clothes on my side of the room. As I brought thought and awareness to my habits surrounding food and drinking, I began feel the same awareness creeping in to other areas of my life. Thoughts, feelings, actions... I found I was better able to process everything and bounce back quicker with a clear head and heart. And there was one other thing I'd begun to notice... I was sleeping better than ever and actually dreaming again, after years of never remembering my dreams or having none at all.

And now suddenly, it's March. And my 30 days will be over, well... two days ago. And so the question of "what now?" has inevitably arisen. It's been 64 days and, while the experience has absolutely been profound, I'm not one for absolutes. I'm not out to break any personal records, but I'm not exactly in a hurry to go back to my old ways, either. I'll likely have a glass of wine eventually but, like gluten and sugar and dairy and all the other things I've eschewed over the past month, I'll partake in a much more mindful manner, without fear or obligation, knowing now how incredible I feel without it. Even though my consumption was light before (save for that unfortunate New Year's), to me, the interrupted sleep, acne and tired eyes just isn't worth it. These 64 days have been a breeze and a gauntlet but, ultimately, I was brought closer to myself by bringing distance between me and my habits. Perspective can only be gained by stepping back, and I'm glad I did.

Images by Jana Kirn, a version of this post appeared here as part of my work with Free People

When Did You Know You Wanted Children?

Do you want children? Lately it seems nearly every one of my friends and acquaintances has either just had a baby or just announced a pregnancy. I’m not kidding, it’s been one or two per day for the past few weeks. Now, I know this is to be expected and can at least be partially attributed to the nature of Facebook, but what’s surprising is… well the surprising fact that I’m, seemingly, now in the minority. To be clear, I love my friends who are parents and I love (or at least like) their children. I’m thankful to have known almost all of them before they became parents because it’s incredible to see how they’ve translated their passions and skills into parenthood. Friends who love Star Wars now have little girls who hum the Imperial March while playing with toys (this is a true and amazing fact), friends who love snowboarding now have daughters who just signed up for lessons, and friends who never thought they’d ever have kids have just fallen head over heels for their new baby girl who’s already been introduced to the magic of drone on vinyl. But, this is also strange new territory. After the early converts of our mid-twenties, this second wave of new parents and second (or third) time parents puts in to stark relief the fact that I am 32 and have no inclination towards motherhood. Like me, most of my friends are now in their early to mid thirties, a time when one might normally be thinking of parenthood, some even craving it. But I’m not. I'm thinking about my career and planning a road trip and where we should go out this weekend and other things that have nothing to do with reproducing. And I’m often left to wonder, while yet another girlfriend confides in me just how much she wants to become a mother or how much she just loves babies, if I’ll ever have that feeling? A few years ago when I first announced my engagement to Chris on this blog, many were quick to congratulate and say what cute babies we’d have, and while I’m appreciative of that sentiment and understand the thought behind it, who’s to say parenthood is a goal of ours as a couple? And yet, as ages 27 and 30 came to pass – the age my mother was when she had me and then my sister, and as 35 looms in the future (when she had my brother), I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever have the intense desire for children like so many of my friends describe.

I understand that this ‘feeling’ doesn’t necessarily hold bearing on whether or not you’ll ever have children, or that you won't become a great parent regardless, but I believe women are primed, by everyone from their mothers to the media, for the expectation of feeling some inclination towards motherhood at some point. We’d constantly being fed messages about how we should feel the desire to have a baby, about raging hormones and dreams of motherhood. So, what happens if you don’t feel any of that? When do you know it's the right time, or any time? On the other end of the media spectrum is the crazy, single, childless wild women, the spinster, the cold-hearted bitch. With cats. And a career.

The internet is chock full of essays and articles profiling those who choose not to have children, who make the conscious decision and grand declaration with their partners to steer clear. Conversely, there are more than enough articles extolling the virtues of motherhood and children. I’m not into any of it. I want to read about those in my shoes, who have no fucking idea. Who feel like they should want children by now, right? Who have a partner they know would make an amazing parent, but are left doubting their own ability to care deeply for something other than their spouse/partner... and cats. What about those of us in the middle who just don’t know? Chris is far more comfortable around kids than I am. He’ll easily drop to the floor to play with a friend’s kid, while I’m left rigid, offering a stiff “hello there” and maybe a handshake or a painfully awkward hug. It’s embarrassing and I immediately become self-conscious about my behavior. Our families are, thankfully, not pushy on the matter.

The one thing that’s given me pause lately is this image and caption from Humans of New York. “The full human experience.” I love this. I loved reading even just a small excerpt from someone who wasn’t sure but consciously decided to do it anyway, simply for the experience of having done it.

So, that’s where I’m at. I’m curious, do you have kids? Have you always known you were destined for parenthood? Are you unsure and caught in the middle like me? Do you not give a fuck and just own it?

Image of us and out "baby" by Mandy Fierens

The Myth of Work/Life Balance

Pictured: Mon Cahier planner + 'Leigh' card holder from Moorea Seal

A few years ago, when I was working as a copy writer at ModCloth, a coworker of mine shared something that changed my entire perspective on the idea of “work/life balance”. Up until that point, I had been on a never-ending quest to strike the perfect balance between my home and work life. After a soul-crushing stint as a visual merchandiser at American Apparel, and then working multiple jobs at a time between 2010 and 2011 (at one point I had four, plus a volunteer position), I wanted my life back. I wanted to find balance. But somehow, it continued to elude me. In my brain I pictured scales, like the scales of freakin' justice, always a little off balance. Things began to feel slightly more even when I made the move to Pittsburgh in 2011, trading in the three jobs I was working at the time for the myth of the 9 to 5. Suddenly, with just one schedule to contend with, I felt like I had time again. I even gave a few talks on the subject of finding work/life balance. Except there was one glaring problem: in my heart, I still felt as though I was constantly running myself ragged. Turns out, when you write for a living, and you write for your blog, and you take photos for a living, and you take photos for your blog, it’s really, really easy to suddenly find yourself completely burned out and exhausted, with no balance in sight. And something tells me the same rings true for every. other. job. out there.

So, back to Molly, my coworker at ModCloth. At some point she gave a sort of mini talk (I think? Could have just been her talking over her computer at me...) on the myth of work/life balance. And it completely shifted the way I approached these things in my life. To paraphrase (and probably butcher): “There is no balance, there is only fit.”

“There is no balance, there is only fit.”

The idea being, that you fit your work and your life together. You fit the things you care about into your life because you care about them, while being conscious of the fact that work often overlaps. That work part, it's best to accept it and move on. Like a jigsaw puzzle, the pieces often aren’t symmetrical. They’re funny looking and oddly shaped. One piece extends into another and vice versa. This was a radical shift in the way I visualized my time (if you can't tell by now, I'm a visual person), and I’m so thankful to have learned this before moving to Philly for my next job. Because, despite the fact that I had this new depth of knowledge to draw from, I was still shit at putting it to practice. Because while fit is important, boundaries are as well.

So, where is all this coming from? Last month, Jen asked for tips on how I manage work/life/self care. And I have to say, my knee jerk answer would be, “very, very carefully."

The truth is, in my early days at FP, I ran myself just as ragged. A new job with new demands and lessons learned from my time at MC swimming through my head meant that I was often up well past midnight working, answering emails, and fretting over all that had to be done. I have a tendency to let past failures haunt me, which means I push myself hard to prove to myself that I can. But one look at photos of myself from that time and it’s easy to see just how exhausted I’d become. The bags under my eyes were darker than ever, and I was puffy from lack of sleep and eating things I normally steer clear from. I’m not sure when the turning point came, but at a certain point I had to loosen the reigns a little or else I was going to fall right off the (figurative) cliff. It was baby steps at first – turning my email notifications on my phone to vibrate, rather than a bell. Not checking email after 11 pm. Making time at the gym a priority again. And finally, admitting to myself that I had to cut back on the number of times per week I was posting on this blog. The changes were subtle at first, but over a year later, it's made an enormous difference in my quality of life. 

Now, I realize things vary from person to person and job to job. but over time I've continued to shift and adjust my time and how I use it. Work is (obviously) still a huge and very important part of my life (I think that's pretty obvious), but I've been slowly learning how to make time for what's important to me and to make time for myself.

A few more things that have helped me strike some sort of equilibrium (notice how I'm not using the word balance)...

Email notifications went from vibrate to none at all because I’ve completely removed email from my phone. A brazen move for sure, and to be clear, I can still check it on the internet browser on my phone (and I do, at specific times), but I no longer have those unread messages staring me in the face and new message dings keeping me up at all hours. I’m thankful to have an amazing editor and coworkers who don’t shy away from texting  if something is urgent. This has, by far, made the largest difference in my stress levels. While I understand having your email on your phone is a necessity for some people, if you’re feeling stressed, ask yourself if it’s really, truly necessary and try taking a break from it for awhile, even just a few days.

If I have to work on the weekend, I get up early and get it out of the way first thing. I write best in the early morning anyway, and getting it out of the way means I don't have to think about for the remainder of Saturday and Sunday.

Conversely, sometimes it's just worth it to stay late at the office on a Friday night to get it out of the way and just get it done.

I am conscious about making time for myself. Rather than pushing aside the things that make me feel human -- reading, baking, getting outside, painting my nails -- I have to constantly remind myself to just do it. To slow down and breathe and make times for the things outside of blogging and work and blogging for work.

Not everything has to be a blog post. I picked up an art book recently, the cover emblazoned with the phrase "Today is a blog post waiting to be written" and I use it as a sort of anti-mantra. In the constant search for content for work, it's very, very easy to fall down the rabbit hole of constantly taking photos and constantly thinking of copy. I intentionally leave my camera at home sometimes and often go light on social media, especially after work and on the weekends. Life is there, live it.

How about you? How do you find time in your life to do everything you do?